"Mangkok"

Beauty and the Mangkok

What is “mangkok”?  It means bowl in English.   Every officer who works in the government deserves this title.   Literally in Malay it means the bowl will always contain food no matter whether you do your work or not.  That is the benefit when you got a job with the government.  But it is mostly used for Pengosa Custam like me.  Why I am eligible for the title?  It is because I don’t know how to do all my work without somebody else helping me and complete them on time.   I had been working with this style for the past 35 years and got many promotions by oppressing people.  Just take a good look at my face.  If you look carefully, you will notice that my face looks like a toilet bowl.   It doesn’t look like a normal bowl where only good food that can be eaten will be put in.  It looks exactly like a toilet bowl where only foods that have been transformed will be put in.   But who cares.   Even if my face looks like toilet a bowl, I can still got married to a beautiful woman.  What a wonderful life I have got!  A toilet bowl face, got promotions by oppressing people and a beautiful wife.  Don’t envy me.

I am Half-Past-Six

Only a Half-Past-Six can fit those pair of giant shoes

What is the meaning of Half-Past-Six?  You can try looking in any dictionary.  There are many different meanings.  All of them apply to me.  But in my definition, Half-Past-Six means “not being able to do even a simple job, pretending to know everything but actually know nothing, cannot perform at all and likes to talk about adult topics even in the office during working hours”.   Well, that's me one hundred percent.   During my office as Pengosa Custam, office time is from 8.00 am to 4.30 pm,  but I usually arrived for work at 8.30 am,  then take a break from 9.00 to 10.30 am, then lunch from 11.00 am to 2.30 pm, break again at 3.00 to 4.00 pm, then at 4.30 pm I am ready to go home.  Between breaks, I actually did not do my work, but I went to chit-chat with my colleagues at their desks talking about adult topics all the time.   My favorite topic is "the purpose of the man balls is to prevent him from being sucked into the black hole".  I do not know why I like to think like that.  I must meditate for at least fifteen minutes about adult things before I can do my work.   After many years of having and practicing daily lives like that, suddenly I realized that I am ready to retire.  I enjoyed being paid for doing nothing and oppress people.  I wish I can live for the next three thousand years by being a Half-Past-Six so that I can oppress more people, get more money and then travel all over the world.

How Do I Oppress People?

My Expensive Guitar (USD 5000.00)

It's very easy.  The first time I successfully did it was 17 years ago in 1995.  At that time I was still working as Pengosa Custam.  My branch was assigned a task by the government to amend the PDK1996 due to start in the middle of May.  The officer in charge supposed to do the difficult task was me.   But my stupid boss whom we called Wawa, assigned the task to another colleague in another branch because he thought I was also another stupid idiot to do the task.  The colleague was a newly appointed officer and a very obedient guy, who simply accepted the task without thinking further since it is for the benefits of the department and the country.  So, one Saturday afternoon in early May, while the colleague was doing his daily job of processing classification applications in his office at his branch,  he got an emergency call from CDRM Training Academy in Mallaca, requesting him to attend the compulsory Professional Custam Training also located in Mallaca which is due to start on the following Monday without any excuses whatsoever.   Since he was very obedient, he packed all his files to be handed later to another officer.  He also informed me that he has to attend the compulsory training for new officer like him.   He also told me that now I am the original officer in charge to do the task.  Immediately I could hear my heart beating loudly and very fast.  I began to realize what my boss had thought was right that I am really a stupid idiot and I felt very afraid.   The colleague asked me to call my boss to inform him of the emergency news.   I  felt like I was going to die.  As the colleague was happily preparing to go home, I bluffed him that I don't have Wawa's phone number but I knew the way to his home.  So I angrily persuaded him to go together to Wawa's home.   Since he was very obedient,  he rode his cheap old motorbike following my expensive car all the way to Wawa's home.    As soon as Wawa got the emergency news, I noticed my boss became very nervous and anxious like he was also going to die.  He immediately called another boss in charge of the CDRM Training in Mallaca by the name of Mark Thames at his home on that late Saturday afternoon where people are usually resting.  He also bluffed him by informing him that the colleague has to do the task without any excuses whatsoever and no other officer was available to do it.   After that my boss turned his face to the colleague and very sadly and breathlessly almost like dying, appealing and begging him to help him.  Although the colleague was very obedient,  I noticed he sadly and reluctantly nodded his head indicating he agreed to do the task.   At this point I am the happiest man on the Earth as if I was released from a tiger's mouth.   To shorten the story, three years later the colleague was blacklisted by the department for not attending the training for new officer and expelled from the department.   Nobody was able to help him including stupid idiots like me and my boss.  Both of us got the credits and reputations for falsely claimed doing the task excellently.   As for the obedient colleague, a few days before he got the news that he was going to be expelled for helping us doing the task,  he had asked me why both of us had proudly oppressed him and my answer was,"it's the Malay culture of the rich and famous".  So, here it is what I am now.

My "Hen"some Time Face

My name is Mohd Zamberi Kassim.  I am also known as agent 6175.  My HQ is at Kajang Perdana, Switzerland.  I was formerly a Pengosa Custam.  Now I'm already retired because I am tired of oppressing people.  I always forget after oppressing them.  Now I am very happy.  Bye for now.